I had a little tantrum this morning. Fueled by what is nothing less than self-loathing, I felt violent & I wanted to destroy something. My anger was just barely contained during the morning, & I know its legitimate target is me, myself, & I. But in wanting to not feel that anger, directed at myself, it was disturbingly easy to come up with a rationale for unleashing it on someone else. I know that there’s a strong connection between those ideas, self-loathing & violence toward others — maybe that’s what really fuels serial killers & those who are willing to wreak death upon others in service to their philosophies. I don’t know …………
Poor dog. Theo & I went out on our walk as usual, & he was really feeling frisky. Our jaunts are circumscribed now by the blooming poison ivy & the tick-filled woodland in the park & along the river, so he has to stay on the leash more now. Neither one of us like this as much. But near the soccer fields, we were away from those areas & I let him run around free. Poor little guy, there was almost nothing he did that I didn’t find irritating. And when he ran off, across the playing fields after a squirrel, definitely not responding to my calls, I just lost it.
By the time I caught up with him, I was practically frothing at the mouth. I hadn’t been so angry for quite a while & I wanted to hurt him. I thwacked that leash against the picnic tables, & the pavilion supports over & over ……… yelling at him, myself, the gods ………. stomping as if I could drive the grass back into the ground ………… Good Goddess Almighty! I really should’ve been struck by lightning. When it was all pretty well vented, I snapped the leash back on his collar, & we walked slowly, quietly home together.
A little while later, he’s stretched out on my feet, keeping them warm in the air conditioned house …………………
May I be able to forgive as well & truly as a dog
- She-who-would-choose-to-wake-up (mindmindful.wordpress.com)