I am struggling today with envy. And an abscessing tooth. And having slept poorly. The weather is blustery & becoming colder, with a lowering gray sky. Bleak, bleak, outdoors & in my outlook ………. revealed even by my choice of the word “struggle”. Hardly the “I choose to be happy” philosophy I usually embrace, & sometimes espouse! How the holy fuck CAN I ever be happy?!?!? she asks herself, expecting no real answer, & prepared to fall right on over into the pit of depression.
But I write this with a smile coming to my face, even though my cheek is swollen. And I feel a little lift in my heart (meaning: my mind) as I begin to be amused with the antics of my wee ego, which wants very much today to feel sorry for itself, to indulge that sense of not-having-enough. It wants to sink into an angering funk because life is Not The Way I Want It To Be, & by Goddess! will not EVER be!!!
As I write, though – through the magic of putting words to ‘paper’ — I realize the truth of a quote by the Buddha, that I have never before really GOTTEN. I had never been able to see what sense it made, or even to be able to figure out what he meant. Most seriously, I never really believed it, because I thought it was just that same lame ol’ sense of “keeping positive thoughts.” But now I do get it, as I watch myself put a name to the feelings stirring within me — feelings I don’t like, but which are as real as any feelings are. And as I see myself begin to find amusement in my petty whining, I can begin to appreciate the abiding, humorous wisdom hidden within this little dharmic jewel:
When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.
In his infinite, hard-won wisdom, The Buddha saw, & profoundly came to grips with the choice that exists in each sliver of each & every moment: We can go on & entertain our egoically-oriented selves, indulging our emotional aches & pains, continuing to slumber along in samsara OR We can see in those ephemeral states of being, as confused & unpleasant as they may be, the opportunities we’re being given to wake up.
THAT’S what it means to CHOOSE HAPPINESS …………..whew!! I wipe my brow in relief, throwing back my head ……….. beginning to laugh at the sky, & offering that jewel back to The Buddha Within Me. And within you.